TACTICS

Tactics in the War on Youth

Young people are oblivious of older people most of the time.  Anyone even slightly older than them is not on their radar.  Hormones control their every waking thought and deed.  An elder might just as well be an inanimate object, like a stone or a shoe -- something they might trip over.  We need to get their attention.

Well, SAG members. Here are some basic tactics for guerrilla warfare on the young.

1:

Get in your car and scootch way down behind the wheel so you’re barely visible. Go out in the morning rush-hour traffic and drive as slow as you legally can with your turn signal on.  Change lanes often so no one will dare try to pass you. Your job is to make as many young people late for work as possible. 

Remember, you’re their worst enemy -- an old person with a tank full of gas and time on your hands.  If they start honking at you, give them the finger.

2:

Go into McDonald’s at lunch hour when all the young worker bees are trying to get lunch and get back to work.  When you get to the front of the line, stand there staring up at the menu board for 15 minutes, or until someone threatens to kill you.  Ask the person behind you, “Does that say cheese, right there?”  “Does that say cheese?”  When someone answers in the affirmative, say to the server behind the counter, “I’ll take a Whopper with Cheese.”   When the server corrects you and tells you where to go for that, order a Bucket of Chicken Livers instead.  When the grumbling behind you reaches fever pitch and the youngin’s are ready to kill you, say “You people are making me nervous. I’ve gotta pee. Hold my spot will you? I’ll be right back.”  Then go out the back door and drive away as slow as you can with your turn signal on. 

3:
Go to the supermarket in the early evening when people are trying to get home to feed their families. Pile up your cart and go to the pharmacy for your prescription. Put you prescription on top and park the cart sideways in the busiest aisle. Go chat up your older friends who are handing out the free sample.  If you see a young person anywhere near your cart, start screaming at them, “Get away from my cart you junkie. You’re trying to steal my prescription. Get your own damn drugs.”  When they slink away, go to the checkout and have them ring up everything and just before they total your purchase, say “Wait, wait, I’ve got a coupon for those suppositories,” and start searching your pockets for the coupon. Keep searching until the person behind you looks like he wants to clock you in the head with a frozen steak or something. Then say, “I know where it is. It’s in my car. Hold my spot will you?  I’ll be right back. Then get in your car and drive away as slow as you can with your turn signal on.